There's nothing like gloomy weather and time alone to really make
you think and question and ultimately, become dissatisfied with
wherever you are. You think, hmm, I've got some time and look
a Victoria's Secret catalog. Lets go through that, look at the surprisingly
ugly grandma sweaters and realize that I will NEVER look like that
and become dissatisfied with issue number 1: Weight and appearance.
We could talk about this topic forever thinking, hmm, the media should
love fat people while doctors are saying, NO! Fat is unhealthy and if you
truly cared about yourself you'd lose weight. So then what is your motivation
to lose weight? Can you? Is it even possible? That's something I ask myself-
do I even have the willpwoer? what's my motivation for doing this? I should
join a gym! But if I do join a gym, will I ever go? My life is full of things I don't
want to do so can I make any time for this extra thing that could probably
ultimately add a few years to my life.
I suppose that's reason enough to do it.
Now, I'm not here to complain. I'm really here to share the deep down desire
I have to sing, to write, to paint and draw, to make music and to give life to
all these thoughts and feelings I have about the world. i have this innate, inherent
desire to put my mark on the world. I can look at whatever I just made and say
YES I did that, That was me. I can translate the insides of me to some medium
on the outside. It's like taking out parts of yourself, examining them and then
deciding how you ultimately want to feel about that thing, idea, fear, thought, dream.
I texted Chris and told him that I just wanted to sing and he said,
"SING SING AND NEVER STOP! Draw and write and play music and sing and never stop!"
That sounds about right. :)
So back to the weight thing- My sister just got me a McGriddle for 560 calories but that will
get eaten by Michael and not by me. :)
*sigh*
I wish I could just do what I want and have it turn out just the right way. :)
God is good!
Cds I want:
Page France - "And the family telephone.." and "Hello, Dear Wind"
Rocky Votolato - "A Brief History" and every album ever.
House of Heroes - "The End is Not the End."
Relient K - "Birds and the Bee Sides"
The Classic Crime - "The Silver Cord"
Jon Foreman - "Spring and Summer" , "Fall and Winter."
:)
Monday, November 3, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Day Three
Today I woke up at 4:15am to get ready and start work at 5:10am. I got pulled over on my way to work for speeding. YIKES! I was so shaky. The officer was really nice and let me go with a warning even though I was going 64mph in a 45mph zone. Thankyou Lord! I texted Erica and said I was getting pulled over. She said "Oh no, It is our fault for just talking about it." We talked about it yesterday about how I'd never gotten pulled over before. Ha. Very scary. Even with being pulled over I was only 2 minutes late. Awesome.
Mornings are really fun, even though you have to be there at 5. I was only there til 7am but I really enjoyed it. The customers are so nice. :) It's gonna be weird working by myself. It's such a cool God thing because you get mornings by Seniority. It's the best hours (5:15am to 12:30pm) and you get the best tips then. Starting at the beginning of October, I'll get at least one morning a week for sure. :)
On my way home, I stopped (on my own free will) and did my Devos in Mark chapter 1. :)
It was awesome.
<3
love rachel
Mornings are really fun, even though you have to be there at 5. I was only there til 7am but I really enjoyed it. The customers are so nice. :) It's gonna be weird working by myself. It's such a cool God thing because you get mornings by Seniority. It's the best hours (5:15am to 12:30pm) and you get the best tips then. Starting at the beginning of October, I'll get at least one morning a week for sure. :)
On my way home, I stopped (on my own free will) and did my Devos in Mark chapter 1. :)
It was awesome.
<3
love rachel
Monday, September 8, 2008
Day One Again
I finished my first day at my job. TP is gonna be a great place to work, I think.
Good tips, awesome owners, fun job. Lots of cleaning.
I'm really starting to feel better about my future. Not so worried.
God is so faithful, especially in using His word. It is so the bread of
life. I feel energized and with hope that I can keep going. It's all because
of the promises in His word. I'm so grateful for Him.
God, pour out your spirit. I'm afraid of that a little because I know
that you are too much for me. But God, make me brave. Give me an
insatiable hunger for your presence. A hunger that can't be hidden
by my fears or my distractions. I want you to be all of me, God.
Give me a right heart and renew a right spirit in me.
I'm waiting for Chris to get home from work. I miss him a lot today.
oh man. I love Him. Lord, be with Chris today. Give him direction
and clarity and pour your love on him so thick and so much that he
is overwhelmed by your love!
I Want to Breathe You In, Lord.
I pray that for Chris too.
Prepare my heart for the days to come, Lord. I know you're preparing
me for this new phase in my life; college, marriage, etc etc. I want to be
ready. So I pray God that whatever you want to do in me, do it. Prepare
me. Get my heart right. Make the desires of Your heart the desires of mine.
And help me to let go and trust in You.
Thankyou for all of the wonderful blessings in my life. You have given me
far beyond what I deserve: A loving family, an amazing boyfriend and best friend,
a job, finances, a roof over my head, gifts and talents, love for you. Thankyou for
enabling me to love you and be used by you. Help me be a good steward of everything
I have.
i love you Lord. Be near, In Jesus' name.
Amen.
Good tips, awesome owners, fun job. Lots of cleaning.
I'm really starting to feel better about my future. Not so worried.
God is so faithful, especially in using His word. It is so the bread of
life. I feel energized and with hope that I can keep going. It's all because
of the promises in His word. I'm so grateful for Him.
God, pour out your spirit. I'm afraid of that a little because I know
that you are too much for me. But God, make me brave. Give me an
insatiable hunger for your presence. A hunger that can't be hidden
by my fears or my distractions. I want you to be all of me, God.
Give me a right heart and renew a right spirit in me.
I'm waiting for Chris to get home from work. I miss him a lot today.
oh man. I love Him. Lord, be with Chris today. Give him direction
and clarity and pour your love on him so thick and so much that he
is overwhelmed by your love!
I Want to Breathe You In, Lord.
I pray that for Chris too.
Prepare my heart for the days to come, Lord. I know you're preparing
me for this new phase in my life; college, marriage, etc etc. I want to be
ready. So I pray God that whatever you want to do in me, do it. Prepare
me. Get my heart right. Make the desires of Your heart the desires of mine.
And help me to let go and trust in You.
Thankyou for all of the wonderful blessings in my life. You have given me
far beyond what I deserve: A loving family, an amazing boyfriend and best friend,
a job, finances, a roof over my head, gifts and talents, love for you. Thankyou for
enabling me to love you and be used by you. Help me be a good steward of everything
I have.
i love you Lord. Be near, In Jesus' name.
Amen.
Day One
Today feels like the start of things.
I start my new job today. I'm excited and nervous.
Jobs are monetary freedom but not time-freedom
and I'm scared that I won't get to see Chris as often
or participate in things as freely as I'd like.
I suppose 7 months of jobless freedom will do that to you.
So, I have no idea why i want to start a blog. Myspace blogs
always seem a little heady, whatever that means.
You have to think, "Is this a thought I want to publish
to everyone I know, and subject myself to what they think?"
Usually its a yes but today it feels like a no.
I started this sentence as,
"I have no idea what I want to do with my life."
But that's not completely true.
I think it's surprising that we are trying to figure this all
out now. I feel at times almost completely incapable of
making these decisions for my life. I suppose it all feels
too big to me right now, because I'm looking UP at the mountain
and it always looks tallest from here. I forget that it's just a day
at a time, you know?
So back to what I want to do with my life. I'm sure of a few things.
A) i am madly in love with Jesus.
I don't always feel madly in love. But He's completely infiltrated
who I am. The lines between us are blending I think. Today,
I don't feel like a very good Christian. I suppose that God is
as concerned with my performance as I am. When the truth is,
He just loves me, and that is enough. He still wants to know me,
and that is enough.
As far as my life goes, I know I want to share my faith in Jesus
with people. I don't want to share religion with them, or try
to convert people to put another notch in my belt. But when I
think about the hope that I have and the healing I've received,
it seems horrible to not want to share that with people.
A phrase I like is, "I've experienced God's transforming love."
And that is truly what it is.
B) I love music.
It's easy to compare myself to others and think, really, Im not as good
as these people. I probably have no chance of making it. So that really
hinders my desire for it. Back to the old adage of "What would you do
if you knew you couldn't fail?" and the whole recording singing sharing
thing is right there. So that's something to think about.
C) I think I like business.
For some reason the control the media has over people is intriguing to me.
I want to be a part of marketing and trick people into buying things.
I suppose that's not true at all, but kind of. :) I think marketing is interest.
But I have no idea if that's fulfilling, since I feel so creative all the time
and just want to leave my creative mark on the world and have someone say
"YES! I feel that way, too." You know?
D) I love travelling. I truly enjoyed experiencing other cultures this summer.
Even though I was so homesick the whole time. I want to have a do-over being
a tourist with Chris. :)
E) I really really want to get married. It's killing me how much I want that.
I'm tired of being away from Chris. I want to get an engagement ring
and start planning my wedding. I want to have that perfect day of marriage
celebration and then I want to go to a hotel and express all the love that I haven't
been able to up until now. Then I want to go to Suttle Lake and spend a weekend
enjoying the presence of my new husband. Then I want to go back to our little
house or apartment that He's been living in and I want to wake up and make us
breakfast and eat it in our bed. I want to have a cute table with cute things on it.
Paintings on the walls, and I want a couch where people can come crash for the night
if they want to. Not because they're drunk but because they're road tripping
missionaries or something. :)
After all this wanting, I come back down to the fears that I can't do it.
And the fears of making the wrong decisions.
Often times, my fear and impatience keep me from waiting and listening
to God. I know He knows what's best for me. I know that He has perfect
timing and He wants to make my life amazing and effective and exactly
what I need. But that silly impatience makes me stress, worry and plan
instead of listening, relaxing and trusting.
And on top of all of this, I'm transitioning out of high school.
Pastor Justin hasn't talked to me or invited me to anything
or asked me where i wanted to be since i've been home from Europe.
It's kind of awful and hurting my feelings. I know God knew what he was
doing having me in youth group the last 3 years. But I feel that every time
Im finished stitching up a wound, I get another one. I desperately
want to be liked by Justin and Mandy; I want to be their friend
and I want to babysit their daughter as a friend and not a dumb student.
I'm tired of being placed in that lame place of "i'm better than you." but now
I'm desperately scared of being completely forgotten.
And I'm a little too complacent to share this with them because I want
THEM to pursue ME but then nothing happens and my feelings are hurt again
and again, I don't want to talk about it because I feel they should be doing something
to remedy it. It's likely that they don't even know it's happening.
I went to college group last night. It was awkward and a little sad. Everyone
thinks I should fit in just fine there, and I probably will. I'm really having trouble
letting go of the past, however. I wonder if it's supposed to be the past or if
people are just making decisions for me and I don't know what to make a fuss
over because I don't know what I want.
:/
I kind of want to be a writer. That would be fun, I think.
and a musician. and an artist.
I wonder if I should make a book of art and a book of philosophy
and then make a cd.
In whichever order, I don't know.
And then comes into question What college should I go to?
I HAVE NO IDEA. Ha.
:)
But I love the Lord and need to remember He'll never leave me. :)
Proverbs 31:25 says:
"She is clothed with strength and dignity,and she laughs without fear of the future."
Jeremiah 29:11-13 says:
"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord."
God, I want to look for you wholeheartedly. I am drowning in a world of distractions
and I need a life preserver. God, throw me a rope and pull me out of this. Give me the
things I need to seek You with my whole heart. Give me a life of organization so I can
have time to seek You. Make it second nature. I want you to be my breath.
Isaiah 46:10b says:
"Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish."
Thankyou for your amazing plans for me. I trust You, I trust You, I trust You.
Fill me with Your peace today, Lord. Let me walk in Your truth, let me walk
as one person, holy and unified in the Lord. Not two people - one on the outside
and one on the inside. Forgive me for all my dividedness and letting my carnality
get the best of me.
Romans 8:9 says:
"But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you."
Let me be controlled by the Spirit today; My mouth my eyes my thoughts my heart my hands my feet. :)
I love you, Lord.
Thankyou for today!
I will DANCE in Your JOY today!
in Jesus' Name, Amen!
I start my new job today. I'm excited and nervous.
Jobs are monetary freedom but not time-freedom
and I'm scared that I won't get to see Chris as often
or participate in things as freely as I'd like.
I suppose 7 months of jobless freedom will do that to you.
So, I have no idea why i want to start a blog. Myspace blogs
always seem a little heady, whatever that means.
You have to think, "Is this a thought I want to publish
to everyone I know, and subject myself to what they think?"
Usually its a yes but today it feels like a no.
I started this sentence as,
"I have no idea what I want to do with my life."
But that's not completely true.
I think it's surprising that we are trying to figure this all
out now. I feel at times almost completely incapable of
making these decisions for my life. I suppose it all feels
too big to me right now, because I'm looking UP at the mountain
and it always looks tallest from here. I forget that it's just a day
at a time, you know?
So back to what I want to do with my life. I'm sure of a few things.
A) i am madly in love with Jesus.
I don't always feel madly in love. But He's completely infiltrated
who I am. The lines between us are blending I think. Today,
I don't feel like a very good Christian. I suppose that God is
as concerned with my performance as I am. When the truth is,
He just loves me, and that is enough. He still wants to know me,
and that is enough.
As far as my life goes, I know I want to share my faith in Jesus
with people. I don't want to share religion with them, or try
to convert people to put another notch in my belt. But when I
think about the hope that I have and the healing I've received,
it seems horrible to not want to share that with people.
A phrase I like is, "I've experienced God's transforming love."
And that is truly what it is.
B) I love music.
It's easy to compare myself to others and think, really, Im not as good
as these people. I probably have no chance of making it. So that really
hinders my desire for it. Back to the old adage of "What would you do
if you knew you couldn't fail?" and the whole recording singing sharing
thing is right there. So that's something to think about.
C) I think I like business.
For some reason the control the media has over people is intriguing to me.
I want to be a part of marketing and trick people into buying things.
I suppose that's not true at all, but kind of. :) I think marketing is interest.
But I have no idea if that's fulfilling, since I feel so creative all the time
and just want to leave my creative mark on the world and have someone say
"YES! I feel that way, too." You know?
D) I love travelling. I truly enjoyed experiencing other cultures this summer.
Even though I was so homesick the whole time. I want to have a do-over being
a tourist with Chris. :)
E) I really really want to get married. It's killing me how much I want that.
I'm tired of being away from Chris. I want to get an engagement ring
and start planning my wedding. I want to have that perfect day of marriage
celebration and then I want to go to a hotel and express all the love that I haven't
been able to up until now. Then I want to go to Suttle Lake and spend a weekend
enjoying the presence of my new husband. Then I want to go back to our little
house or apartment that He's been living in and I want to wake up and make us
breakfast and eat it in our bed. I want to have a cute table with cute things on it.
Paintings on the walls, and I want a couch where people can come crash for the night
if they want to. Not because they're drunk but because they're road tripping
missionaries or something. :)
After all this wanting, I come back down to the fears that I can't do it.
And the fears of making the wrong decisions.
Often times, my fear and impatience keep me from waiting and listening
to God. I know He knows what's best for me. I know that He has perfect
timing and He wants to make my life amazing and effective and exactly
what I need. But that silly impatience makes me stress, worry and plan
instead of listening, relaxing and trusting.
And on top of all of this, I'm transitioning out of high school.
Pastor Justin hasn't talked to me or invited me to anything
or asked me where i wanted to be since i've been home from Europe.
It's kind of awful and hurting my feelings. I know God knew what he was
doing having me in youth group the last 3 years. But I feel that every time
Im finished stitching up a wound, I get another one. I desperately
want to be liked by Justin and Mandy; I want to be their friend
and I want to babysit their daughter as a friend and not a dumb student.
I'm tired of being placed in that lame place of "i'm better than you." but now
I'm desperately scared of being completely forgotten.
And I'm a little too complacent to share this with them because I want
THEM to pursue ME but then nothing happens and my feelings are hurt again
and again, I don't want to talk about it because I feel they should be doing something
to remedy it. It's likely that they don't even know it's happening.
I went to college group last night. It was awkward and a little sad. Everyone
thinks I should fit in just fine there, and I probably will. I'm really having trouble
letting go of the past, however. I wonder if it's supposed to be the past or if
people are just making decisions for me and I don't know what to make a fuss
over because I don't know what I want.
:/
I kind of want to be a writer. That would be fun, I think.
and a musician. and an artist.
I wonder if I should make a book of art and a book of philosophy
and then make a cd.
In whichever order, I don't know.
And then comes into question What college should I go to?
I HAVE NO IDEA. Ha.
:)
But I love the Lord and need to remember He'll never leave me. :)
Proverbs 31:25 says:
"She is clothed with strength and dignity,and she laughs without fear of the future."
Jeremiah 29:11-13 says:
"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord."
God, I want to look for you wholeheartedly. I am drowning in a world of distractions
and I need a life preserver. God, throw me a rope and pull me out of this. Give me the
things I need to seek You with my whole heart. Give me a life of organization so I can
have time to seek You. Make it second nature. I want you to be my breath.
Isaiah 46:10b says:
"Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish."
Thankyou for your amazing plans for me. I trust You, I trust You, I trust You.
Fill me with Your peace today, Lord. Let me walk in Your truth, let me walk
as one person, holy and unified in the Lord. Not two people - one on the outside
and one on the inside. Forgive me for all my dividedness and letting my carnality
get the best of me.
Romans 8:9 says:
"But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you."
Let me be controlled by the Spirit today; My mouth my eyes my thoughts my heart my hands my feet. :)
I love you, Lord.
Thankyou for today!
I will DANCE in Your JOY today!
in Jesus' Name, Amen!
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