Day One

Today feels like the start of things.
I start my new job today. I'm excited and nervous.
Jobs are monetary freedom but not time-freedom
and I'm scared that I won't get to see Chris as often
or participate in things as freely as I'd like.
I suppose 7 months of jobless freedom will do that to you.

So, I have no idea why i want to start a blog. Myspace blogs
always seem a little heady, whatever that means.
You have to think, "Is this a thought I want to publish
to everyone I know, and subject myself to what they think?"

Usually its a yes but today it feels like a no.

I started this sentence as,
"I have no idea what I want to do with my life."
But that's not completely true.

I think it's surprising that we are trying to figure this all
out now. I feel at times almost completely incapable of
making these decisions for my life. I suppose it all feels
too big to me right now, because I'm looking UP at the mountain
and it always looks tallest from here. I forget that it's just a day
at a time, you know?

So back to what I want to do with my life. I'm sure of a few things.

A) i am madly in love with Jesus.
I don't always feel madly in love. But He's completely infiltrated
who I am. The lines between us are blending I think. Today,
I don't feel like a very good Christian. I suppose that God is
as concerned with my performance as I am. When the truth is,
He just loves me, and that is enough. He still wants to know me,
and that is enough.
As far as my life goes, I know I want to share my faith in Jesus
with people. I don't want to share religion with them, or try
to convert people to put another notch in my belt. But when I
think about the hope that I have and the healing I've received,
it seems horrible to not want to share that with people.
A phrase I like is, "I've experienced God's transforming love."
And that is truly what it is.

B) I love music.
It's easy to compare myself to others and think, really, Im not as good
as these people. I probably have no chance of making it. So that really
hinders my desire for it. Back to the old adage of "What would you do
if you knew you couldn't fail?" and the whole recording singing sharing
thing is right there. So that's something to think about.

C) I think I like business.
For some reason the control the media has over people is intriguing to me.
I want to be a part of marketing and trick people into buying things.
I suppose that's not true at all, but kind of. :) I think marketing is interest.
But I have no idea if that's fulfilling, since I feel so creative all the time
and just want to leave my creative mark on the world and have someone say
"YES! I feel that way, too." You know?

D) I love travelling. I truly enjoyed experiencing other cultures this summer.
Even though I was so homesick the whole time. I want to have a do-over being
a tourist with Chris. :)

E) I really really want to get married. It's killing me how much I want that.
I'm tired of being away from Chris. I want to get an engagement ring
and start planning my wedding. I want to have that perfect day of marriage
celebration and then I want to go to a hotel and express all the love that I haven't
been able to up until now. Then I want to go to Suttle Lake and spend a weekend
enjoying the presence of my new husband. Then I want to go back to our little
house or apartment that He's been living in and I want to wake up and make us
breakfast and eat it in our bed. I want to have a cute table with cute things on it.
Paintings on the walls, and I want a couch where people can come crash for the night
if they want to. Not because they're drunk but because they're road tripping
missionaries or something. :)

After all this wanting, I come back down to the fears that I can't do it.
And the fears of making the wrong decisions.
Often times, my fear and impatience keep me from waiting and listening
to God. I know He knows what's best for me. I know that He has perfect
timing and He wants to make my life amazing and effective and exactly
what I need. But that silly impatience makes me stress, worry and plan
instead of listening, relaxing and trusting.


And on top of all of this, I'm transitioning out of high school.
Pastor Justin hasn't talked to me or invited me to anything
or asked me where i wanted to be since i've been home from Europe.
It's kind of awful and hurting my feelings. I know God knew what he was
doing having me in youth group the last 3 years. But I feel that every time
Im finished stitching up a wound, I get another one. I desperately
want to be liked by Justin and Mandy; I want to be their friend
and I want to babysit their daughter as a friend and not a dumb student.
I'm tired of being placed in that lame place of "i'm better than you." but now
I'm desperately scared of being completely forgotten.

And I'm a little too complacent to share this with them because I want
THEM to pursue ME but then nothing happens and my feelings are hurt again
and again, I don't want to talk about it because I feel they should be doing something
to remedy it. It's likely that they don't even know it's happening.

I went to college group last night. It was awkward and a little sad. Everyone
thinks I should fit in just fine there, and I probably will. I'm really having trouble
letting go of the past, however. I wonder if it's supposed to be the past or if
people are just making decisions for me and I don't know what to make a fuss
over because I don't know what I want.
:/

I kind of want to be a writer. That would be fun, I think.
and a musician. and an artist.
I wonder if I should make a book of art and a book of philosophy
and then make a cd.
In whichever order, I don't know.

And then comes into question What college should I go to?
I HAVE NO IDEA. Ha.
:)
But I love the Lord and need to remember He'll never leave me. :)

Proverbs 31:25 says:
"She is clothed with strength and dignity,and she laughs without fear of the future."

Jeremiah 29:11-13 says:
"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord."

God, I want to look for you wholeheartedly. I am drowning in a world of distractions
and I need a life preserver. God, throw me a rope and pull me out of this. Give me the
things I need to seek You with my whole heart. Give me a life of organization so I can
have time to seek You. Make it second nature. I want you to be my breath.

Isaiah 46:10b says:
"Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish."

Thankyou for your amazing plans for me. I trust You, I trust You, I trust You.
Fill me with Your peace today, Lord. Let me walk in Your truth, let me walk
as one person, holy and unified in the Lord. Not two people - one on the outside
and one on the inside. Forgive me for all my dividedness and letting my carnality
get the best of me.

Romans 8:9 says:
"But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you."

Let me be controlled by the Spirit today; My mouth my eyes my thoughts my heart my hands my feet. :)

I love you, Lord.
Thankyou for today!
I will DANCE in Your JOY today!
in Jesus' Name, Amen!