Streams of Consciousness

I suppose my angst just looks different than yours.

We are all worried about something, nobody has it completely together.

GOD I NEED TO TRUST YOU!!!!!!!!!

On and off, second by second, trust-doubt-trust-doubt-trust-doubt.

Life is a sequence of reminding myself to trust Jesus, to remember the

tools I have in my belt, and to remember that God has it under control.

It's incredible that in my fear, I take everything back into my own hands.

Am I afraid God is going to mess it up? Do I somehow believe that I have

more control in these situations than God does? I just said last week "I'll work

the shifts I'm given; God knows my need" and then I get the new schedule "7 hours?!?!

SEVEN HOURS?!?!?!?!" and the cycle starts again. God, break this cycle!

Why can I not trust you completely?

I feel like Peter...I feel like the "O you of little faith, why do you doubt?"

and I say "I believe, HELP MY UNBELIEF!" God, help my unbelief.

I dream of a life that is full of adventure, full of travel, full of ministry, full

of journals filled with pictures, ephemera, stories of what God is doing, the

people I'm meeting. I dream of India sometimes. Right now, as I picture

my full journal, it's full on India. The colors, the smells, the sounds, the hurt...

It's all there in my imagination. Someday. God take me somewhere.

Be the author of my heart, Lord. I want to love the things you love.

I want to be broken for the things that break Your heart.

I want to hate the injustice & bondage that You hate.

I want to be ignited by the things that ignite You, Lord.

To be more myself, I seek to be more like Jesus. Help me do this daily, God.

Father, my heart is broken for my dear friend. Be with her tonight, God. Whisper to her heart that You love her, that you want her just as she is. You are restoration. Bring restoration to her depleted heart, her drained body.

Drained: def'n:implies a gradual withdrawal and ultimate deprivation of what is necessary to an existence

God, I look up this word, deplete. To empty of a principal substance.

I see it's synonyms; exhaust, impoverish, drain, bankrupt. Listen to this one, Lord..

Impoverished (def'n): suggests a deprivation of something essential to richness or productiveness

Lord God, I know that you are this principal substance, this essential something that she needs not only to live abundantly but...to live. Period.

Be with her tonight, Lord. Please let her know that I think about her every single day. My heart is broken for her. Yours is broken. God, in our brokenness, will you move? Will you do everything that I cannot do? Show me what I can, Lord. Please give her life back. Please don't let her be lost to this grave that would steal her so early...physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. She needs You. I need You. I need You to save her, Jesus. Please. Let her know we love her.

I love You, Jesus. As I type, tears stream down my cheeks. You're answering. My heart is broken for the things that break Your heart. Help me look more like You. Give me a passion for Your word. Direct my steps, lead me to the place where I will be used most completely by You, to the place where I will be most completely who You want me to be.

Love you, Jesus. Keep up your work in me until it's finished.

Deep Breath.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

The Dawn

It's amazing how, after tasting my forbidden fruit and letting its bitter taste settle on my tongue, I realize the depravity of my decisions.

Now the only thing that I want is to be close to God. I'm realizing how much I need Him, how  much I lack without Him. I wish I felt this before I made dumb mistakes. 

You know the phrase "It's always darkest right before the dawn" I hate how sometimes it takes me walking into the sin that I hate to realize how much I need Jesus. That darkness...I hate it. I wish I could see, before I take those steps to darkness, that I need the light. I know I need the light. I hate that this is the area I fall into. I hate this feeling.

If you'd like to hear a song about this very thing, go to www.sonicbids.com/christinadesouza. There you can find the song "It's Over" written by she and i and recorded by her. That song is about this feeling. I wish I could quit singing it, I wish it would start being true. I wish that my flesh wouldn't win. Like when Paul talks about the things he wants to do, he doesn't do and the things he DOES want to do, he fails to do. I feel that way, Paul. It's a human condition.

These things I call "human conditions"....I think our walk with Jesus is the steps we take to get back from the basic humanness and into something greater than that, something that is body and spirit, temporary and eternal. Sometimes I make decisions that only serve the temporary, some things that bring me back to my basic human depravity. The decisions I make to seek God, to worship Him, to make Him known, to love Him, to love others...Those decisions lead me closer to what I was meant for. A unity of God and man, body and spirit, temporary and eternal. Bringing the Kingdom to earth, you know? Eternally loving, patient, kind, good, and so on. Preparing myself and others for eternity, while bringing Jesus' love in a real tangible way to others here and now. 

Today, I made a decision to step back nearer to basic humanity. It feels terrible here. I know my purpose is to know God and make Him known. I want to take steps closer to You, Jesus Christ. Closer to who I was made to be, how I was made to be. A marriage of God and man, body and spirit, temporary and eternal. I want nothing to separate us, Lord. I admit that my foolish decisions are like a wedge between us. Forgive me for my depravity, God. I want to be closer to You, I want to be more like You. I want to walk in the light, to see the light, to rejoice in the light. Today was a day of walking in Your joy and I traded it for a selfish decision that led me farther from You. 

Forgive me, I ask for Your joy again. I want to be in fellowship with You. I want to dwell in the light again, and to stay there forever. 

I love you :)

8 Things

Thankyou Rachel, from the blog "braving the Beauty" for this. It gave me lots to think about. :)

8 things I’m looking forward to:
1. Vacation
2. When God takes me on another mission trip 
3. having my very first pair of birkenstocks
4. Filling up my moleskine with songs
5. Living in Eugene...and Im sure other places, too. 
6. Becoming content
7. Getting married
8. Reaching my goal weight (I know I know) 

8 things I did yesterday:
1. Had my hair dyed by my beautiful sister. 
2. Wrote a mini sermon (but no one came to unlock the church or hear the sermon, so it sits on my dashboard)
3. Made drinks for people at work. 
4.  Had a wonderful time with my sweet boyfriend, running errands and being silly 
5. Pondered at my priorities and asked the Lord to tell me what I should be investing in. 
6. Saw pictures of Brittany's brand new baby girl, Jacee Liliana
7. prayed for a co-worker that God is putting in my life even though Im mad about it.
8. Read parts of  "All I Need is Jesus (and a good pair of jeans)" By Susanna Aughtmon (or something like that) 

8 things I wish I could do:
1. Believe in myself and God's ability and desire to use me. 
2. Play guitar like a face melter and write songs that come from God's heart
3. be set loose in Borders & buy anything I like! (I stole this one from Rachel. :) ) 
4. Go on a 6 week long cross country road trip. 
5. Hike a swiss alp (someday) 
6. Have money to get manicures and pedicures all the time. 
7.  Be fluent in spanish, then lots of other languages too. 
8. Pay off my parents and learn to save really well. :) 

Special!

It's so silly how I compare myself so much.

Is this an 18 year old girl condition or

maybe just a human one?

God is good.

He has made me in His image.

I express a part of Him.

A special part, a unique part. 

No one else can fit the part that I can fit. 

Your grace is enough for me, Lord. 

I've been realizing how "iron sharpens iron" more, today.

I met with Karina and we did our bible study together. 

I love seeing how God shows her things that I didn't 

recognize in His word. It's a blessing to see her use

her God given talent of using words for His glory.

Your grace is enough for us, Lord. 

Thankyou for the promise that You'll work out Your plan for my life,

You'll use the special way I am made to fit in a special place, & be loved

especially by You. Help me remember I'm special, Lord, and help me

reveal to others how they're special, too.

Love you

Rach 

Emotionally Wrung Out

Good and Bad today. :)

It started baddish, I woke up with a painful kink in my neck that's lasted all day. 

However, I got to lay in bed for a few hours, reading. I LOVE reading. :) 

Then, Chris came over with coffee. What a delight! He brightens everything up. :)

When my mom came home from her lunch break, we went a saw a desk we saw on Craigslist. A  no go. Not the quality I want. :p Oh well, the Lord will provide the perfect thing. :) 

We went to the chiropractor and he cranked on my neck & back. It feels so strange, like someones breaking your neck since it crack-crack-cracks. :) It feels a little better and I'm on the road to neck recovery. :) 

Then...drama started.

With the Anchor, the bible study we've started, one of the girls was rude today, then when all three of us got together, Angie* was saying "I tell the truth, how it is, to anybody. It doesn't matter who it is, I tell the truth." about how she was offended because no one told her where we were meeting (Because no one had decided!) I told her, since she would tell anyone the truth, that that day, she had hurt my feelings by being rude to me about not knowing where we were meeting. I guess me telling her she hurt my feelings was too much for her to handle because she stormed off and left almost crying. 

It was very strange. 

I know that the Lord is the author of our college group and if Angie isn't supposed to be in leadership, then she won't be. 

It was very frustrating and emotionally tolling. If we're not able to discuss openly how we all feel, not regarding one person's feelings as more important as the others, then it's not right.

Lord, I ask for Your forgiveness for my part in the negative stuff that happened today. God, will You do your will in this situation? Let hearts be convicted and mended. 

*sigh*

I've been reading "All I Need is Jesus (and a good pair of Jeans)" by Susanna Aughtmon. It's been a blessing!

I love reading :) 

Lord, finish Your work in me. I feel undone. :) I love You

In Jesus' Name

Amen :) 

This is a Beginning

God's providing everything, he's making things happen. This is a beginning. :) 

Chris graduated.

Chris got a job.

Chris moved to Bend.

I have more hours at work.

Im finishing the term.

Im released from the bondage of an old hurt, a poison of unforgiveness.

Today has been a little hard. It shows that even the best things are hard sometimes. But hard doesn't mean that they aren't the very best things to be happening in life.

I can't wait to start my bible study with Karina and get in the word regularly. God will you provide a girl to share the study with us? i have an extra book.  :)

You're good, Lord. 

Help me trust you and help me be gracious. I love you. Remind me that this life is all about you. :) 

Day Day Day

I'm finally getting over my sinus infection, PRAISE THE LORD! 

I think it's really cool how God uses people. Imperfect people. Im learning the more I'm open to be used by Him, the more He uses me.

Today he orchestrated 2 conversations (Well at least 2 that I know specifically.) I was downtown about to do homework and a friend texted me telling me she was struggling. So I invited her to meet me at the Beautiful Cup and we got to talk for a while and share our hearts. I think that we've all been in her shoes: scared of what we know God is asking us to do, not sure how to get out of our apathetic states. I am so excited to see what God does in her life. She said the rest of this year is going to be used for laying the foundation of her walk with the Lord. She said she's going to sacrifice what it takes to make free time to spend with God. I think that after this year, she'll know so clearly what God is asking of her and I know He'll make her brave enough to do it.

Truth: The Lord makes us brave enough for the task He's laid ahead of us. (Matthew 10:19-20)

"¹⁹But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, ²⁰for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you."

The second conversation I had is with another girl I've gotten to know over the last 9 or so months. It's been incredible to see the way God is working in my heart towards her. 

Truth: God's ways are higher than my ways.  (Isiaiah 55:8-9)

I really really didn't like her in the beginning (and at times, now as well I suppose) but the Lord kept leading me to reach out to her (even though I didn't want to) After a few months of this, she shared with me that she re-dedicated her life to the Lord. Now, it's been a month or 2 since then and I see her today. She walked into the Beautiful Cup and we started talking. Somehow we got on the subject of her eating disorder and how she's worried she's going back to how she was last summer (really deeply entangled in anorexia) We talked for a little while before I asked her if she was still walking with the Lord. 

She told me that everytime she starts walking back towards God, things start going badly in her life. I explained to her that it's so common for that to happen. When people aren't walking with God, the enemy is free to do as he wishes with them. When they reclaim their walk with the Lord, they become a threat to the enemy and his plan. Oftentimes, when a person starts walking with the Lord again, things seem to get worse before they get better. She told me some things that she'd done...gone to the lowest places....even saying she would serve satan?!? (that was news to me...Im still not sure how to deal with that news, you know?) So...i think since she got so involved in the world and submitting to the devil, (YIKES) it's going to be a long road to getting back right with God. A long road that will need to involve lots of prayer and fasting I think. But if she sticks it out, God will come restore everything that was lost and rebuild everything that was torn down in her. 

Anyways, I got to share with her clearly that God had a plan for her and a plan for her life. I shared with her the truth that if she isn't walking with God, she's never going to be the person she is meant to be. She'll always be going from guy to guy, from distraction to distraction, looking for the fulfillment that she'll only find in God Himself. Now it comes down to how long she's willing to search for fulfillment in other things before she realizes nothing will ever fill her like she needs. Because she's not looking in the right place. Her heart is longing for a relationship with Christ to come and give her identity - not in guys, not in her eating disorder or her appearance, not in her partying. Hopefully it won't take her long to realize she is not finding what she's looking for. 

She had to leave quickly after that but I know that God will open another door to talk. 

Truth: We are Purposed to love Jesus and to walk with Him. We can't get to where we're supposed to be without Him.  

"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands."

I think this has been a season of God allowing me to be exposed to areas and things I've never ever dealt with before. I feel like I'm growing more compassionate - and I long to be compassionate even more. 

Lord, will you reveal the compassion and love You have for your kids. Break my heart for the things that break Your heart, Lord. Help me love them like You love them. Grow me, change me. I want to be teachable, God. I want to be loving. I want to be more like You, Jesus!

I love you!

I'm really excited for this season of change and growth. God is so good. I love His unconditional faithfulness and His unconditional love. Even in situations like the two I described today, no matter how far we run from the Lord, he's there when we turn around. 

Truth: God will always be here for us. 

(John 14:16-19)

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate,^{a]" style=" line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} who will never leave you. ¹⁷He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you.^{b]" style=" line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]} ¹⁸ No, I will not abandon you as orphans—I will come to you. ¹⁹ Soon the world will no longer see me, but you will see me. Since I live, you also will live.

Sleepy Head

Im up, sitting on my bed, enjoying the feeling of my fluffy cloud-like down comforter. I'm watching Win a Date with Tad Hamilton and waiting for Chris to get home and call me. I've been home sick all day with a sinus infection. Antibiotics: 3 pills a day. I think they're helping already. :) 

I got to visit on the phone with my friend Jessica from Euroquest tonight. I feel like my heart was a flower bed and talking with her was like watering it. :) I feel happy, and Im thinking about all the amazing Jesus filled experiences I've had. Getting to know Him is the most exciting adventure, the most amazing way to spend a life. A life fulfilled is a life spent seeking God.

I wonder if I kept this in mind everyday if I would live differently. Im sure that I would.

I know I don't think of Him enough everyday. Being a big sick baby today, my mind was on whatever was playing on BRAVO! I went downstairs today around 7 because I had a pounding headache and thought of going to sleep. Rather, I ended up playing piano for a while. There is nothing that feeds my soul and ignites my heart more than music, especially music in worship. I was wondering why the Lord would allow me to get sick when I was going to lead worship tonight, but I realized that maybe if I'd been gone, the Lord wouldn't have sent the beautiful words to finish the song he had laid on my heart months ago. I sometimes get discouraged when I watch shows like American Idol, and for some reason, think that this is the talent I need to succeed in the world of music if I'm going to pursue it. I want the Lord to show me even more that if I'm surrendered to Him, if music is what he wants for me, then NOTHING will be able to keep me from fulfilling that. :) I need to remember that music, singing and worship ignites my heart.

If it ignites my heart, It might be what I'm made for. 

I love Jesus and Chris! :) 

MESS

over. it.

I know I'm not reacting the way I should right now. I'm probably being just as immature as Matt is being. I'm just over it.

I'm really tired of people making claims about my character over the stupidest things. 

I haven't behaved in the way I should.

I feel like I try so hard in every area of my life to do the important things and be good . When someone starts saying im a bad person, that I do "ugly" things to people and they thought I was "Better than that" it just really pisses me off.

It's opened a whole door of sh**. It feels like the same hurt that cory and beka did; a reopened wound that wasn't healed completely. I feel like a big mix of emotions since I shouldn't care what a vague/distant "friend" thinks, that it shouldn't affect me like it does, but it still feels like he's getting away with the same stupid thing that youth pastors of yesteryear have gotten away with. I know that holding someone in unforgiveness only harms me and not dealing with it makes me look stupid. But I don't feel ready to deal at the moment. I know that I need to be to work tomorrow and that I should be sleeping. I am really hurt and I repent for not letting God come in in the first place. Part of me hasn't had anything to be mad at anyone about for a while and it feels like I have some control over it, it makes me feel powerful. But anger isn't power and I know that.

I'm sorry Lord. Forgive me for the things I'm doing wrong. Come in and do your will, help me be open to your will. Help me be submitted to you and walking in your love. 

i love you, lord.

rach 

Psalm 57

1 Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, 
       for in you my soul takes refuge. 
       I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings 
       until the disaster has passed.

 ² I cry out to God Most High, 
       to God, who fulfills {his purpose} for me.

 ³ He sends from heaven and saves me, 
       rebuking those who hotly pursue me; 
       Selah 
       God sends his love and his faithfulness.

 ⁴ I am in the midst of lions; 
       I lie among ravenous beasts— 
       men whose teeth are spears and arrows, 
       whose tongues are sharp swords.

 ⁵ Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; 
       let your glory be over all the earth.

 ⁶ They spread a net for my feet— 
       I was bowed down in distress. 
       They dug a pit in my path— 
       but they have fallen into it themselves. 
       Selah

 ⁷ My heart is steadfast, O God, 
       my heart is steadfast; 
       I will sing and make music.

 ⁸ Awake, my soul! 
       Awake, harp and lyre! 
       I will awaken the dawn.

 ⁹ I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; 
       I will sing of you among the peoples.

 ¹⁰ For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; 
       your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

 ¹¹ Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; 
       let your glory be over all the earth.

*sigh*

I'm tired 

I feel a little better...

These have helped me feel a little bit better:

http://www.howtodothings.com/automotive/a4722-how-to-drive-a-stick-shift-car.html

-and-

http://www.epinions.com/content_2037555332

The second one made me feel like I had a nice friend patting my back saying, "It'll be okay..."  Which at this point, I need since I'm a little scared with my decision of a stick shift car. But I know that there are a lot of pros to it.

Well, first. God totally provided this car. The car was selling for $5000 (kbb at 5200) I guess the owners had received many calls and the lady's husband was set on 5000. Well, we offered 4200 and what'd the guy say? "We can do that, it'll even out" (the cost of their new car and getting 800 less than they intended) 

So that shows me that YES! God has saved this car for me. I love it! It's my favorite color, it's little, it gets great gas mileage and has good crash test ratings. I love it.

Next,  learning how to drive a stick will enable me to drive ANY car. This isnt' a skill I'll lose...I'll have the ability to drive a stick shift. In some countries, all they have are sticks. On the mission field, if God provides a stick car, then I'll know how to drive it.

It'll help me understand cars better, pay more attention while I drive, as well as get me a little better gas mileage. My car gets 30-35. It's probably at 30 now because of all my stopping, starting & killing it! Eeeep. 

I filled it up (it was about a gallon or 2 away from empty) and it only cost me $19. Praise the Lord! So i'll be able to drive all month for probably 50 or 60 bucks, rather than 160 like when I had my jeep.

I hear it's more fun too. At this point, i feel crazy. But I need to give myself room to learn. :) 

*sigh*

I wanna go to bed now. Hah. 

P.s. I love Jesus & Chris. :) 

lesson

Stick driving lesson #3 with dad. So stressful I could cry. My neck is so tense it's giving me a headache already. I really appreciate Dad's help and him taking to time to teach me. However, he is not an extremely patient teacher. 

So. I'm a little stressed & overwhelmed. But I LOVE my new car. :)

Fern. 2000 Honda Civic Ex Coupe. :) 19 dollars to fill up WOOP 

Days of Trust

Romans 15:13

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

I'm trusting the Lord again today. I found what I think is the perfect car. But my parents only can pay 800 less than they're offering it for. They love the Lord and know Ian & Kristy...maybe it's the Lord's will and will bless both of us out of this deal. Your will be done, God.  :/ I need to not worry.

Promise

Psalm 100:3, 5

 ³ Know that the LORD is God. 
       It is he who made us, and we are his\
       we are his people, the sheep of his pasture

 ⁵ For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; 
       his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Promise

Psalm 100

¹ Shout for joy to the LORD, all the earth.

 ² Worship the LORD with gladness; 
       come before him with joyful songs.

 ³ Know that the LORD is God. 
       It is he who made us, and we are his
       we are his people, the sheep of his pasture.

 ⁴ Enter his gates with thanksgiving 
       and his courts with praise; 
       give thanks to him and praise his name.

 ⁵ For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; 
       his faithfulness continues through all generations.

Learning to Trust

So I suppose 'everyday' has now turned into 'once a week' or so?

God is good. He's been giving me joy. I've been having trouble at work and it's been hard to trust him...Sometimes it feels like he doesn't see what's going on, but I know he does. It's hard when I feel like I'm trying my best to be the perfect employee and still, I don't get treated the same as the other girls. It feels like they're thought of as better than me....:( It could all be my imagination but it's hard to remember that God knows what He's doing. So *sigh* I need to trust him.

 This is what we read today. Psalm 101.  These are my favorites from it. 

vs 1: ¹ I will sing of your love and justice, Lord.

      I will praise you with songs." (I love verses about singing because they could be my new tattoo)

vs 2 through 4:  ² I will be careful to live a blameless life—

      when will you come to help me?
   I will lead a life of integrity
      in my own home.
 ³ I will refuse to look at
      anything vile and vulgar.
   I hate all who deal crookedly;
      I will have nothing to do with them.
 ⁴ I will reject perverse ideas
      and stay away from every evil."

This really reminded me that I need to be careful what I watch. Also, I need to live a life of integrity even when no one sees, and even when no one rewards me for it. I trust that God will reward me and that he sees what I do, but it's hard to always do my best at work, to be super honest, to be really friendly, to try REALLY hard, and still feel like no one notices. So...lead a life of integrity, Rach. It's about God and you, not your silly boss. :/

Lord, help me trust you today. Help me reject the bitterness that's been trying to take root in my heart. Help me reflect you, help me trust you, and place me exactly where you want me to be, Lord. Whether that's at T Perk or not. Help me trust you, help me have joy, help me walk with you and grow and heal and learn. I love you. In Jesus' precious name, Amen. 

Trust Today

Today has been a very emotional day...thanks, uterus, Thankyou very much.

But besides that, I feel like God's really helped me trust him. I got a call

from my boss today telling me my hours were gonna get majorly cut

for next month (down from 7hrs and 12hrs a week? Yes.) and that

they "want to keep me but understand if I want to look for another job"

Yes, i do want to look for another job and compete with hundreds of other

people for the same jobs. :/ I told her that I trust her judgement hours wise

and that I love my job and want to work as much as I can. The lord really 

gave me peace in the moment and helped me not get upset about it.

I got my schedule a few hours later....I have 4 shifts. Saturday Sunday close the first weekend of the month. Then the last weekend, too. So no work for 2 weeks straight. 

Hmmm. The Lord knows what I need and it's just been in the last half hour 

or so that I've been struggling with bitterness over it a little bit. I know that

God is in control and if he wants me to have another job, then He'll open

a door and I don't have to go knocking on every one. There aren't even

jobs to knock on right now. But yes, so today has been an awesome

day of seeing God help me trust Him. I need to keep  hanging onto that

and trusting even when that feeling goes away.

On Track went well tonight. I led worship last minute and God really moved. 

There's nothing like worshipping God. I don't know why but it gives me a right

perspective of who I am (how small I am) and how big God is and how even when

life sucks, I still have a million reasons to praise Him. :) 

This was a big verse tonight. We talked about loneliness:

Jeremiah 29:10-14 

 ¹⁰ This is what the Lord says: “You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. ¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. ¹² In those days when you pray, I will listen. ¹³ If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”

I think peace can be found in the promise that the Lord will bring me home again. That I'll find him when I seek Him. I'm not just knocking on the door of an empty house or calling to deaf ears. God really does hear me. It was also encouraging to read "I will restore your fortunes" Now, I have never gone hungry or not paid any bills (I dont have any!) but my budget seems like it might get tighter over the next month. But instead I'm going to trust that God will bring in money from all different directions and not only meet my needs, but bless me abundantly. He is good and I trust Him.

Oh, I dyed my hair brown today. I love it :) 

and I finished a new song, too. 

No matter what, remember that you're not alone. God will bring us home. He's there, he's there, he's there. I think the Lord is giving me more time so I can minister. :) And be there when people need me. :)

God, be my strength and peace. Help me tell everyone of your goodness and your faithfulness and your realness. Show yourself real to us. We need You, Lord, more than ever. I love you. In Jesus' name, Amen. 

Sometimes the Weak Grow Strong

I started smiling for no reason while driving to school today. It really helped me feel happier. Like I had a secret to smile about (and even I didn't know what it was!) Haha. So I think that was a step in the right direction. 

This is what I've read today, out of my study of esther by beth moore.

"Satan has a theory that he's banked his entire accuser's career on: Even the strong grow weak. True enough, but this, Beloved One, is also true: Even the weak grow strong if they set their minds to it." (beth moore, esther) 

Deuteronomy 33:25 says 

"The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze and your strength will equal your days"

I'd really like that for myself. I used to think that there was no way I could resist temptation, that I would fall and that would be my fate and I could never get over it. Things have gotten better, that's for sure. God's really showing me that I can control myself, my tongue and my actions and everything. Tonight I read in the bible study, "We need more than  a mood, We need a mindset" So I pray that the Lord will give me a mindset to stay strong, to stay pure, to stay quiet (OFTEN! my mouth sure does get me in trouble, especially at work) to stay joyful. Even when I don't feel like it.

So that's been my day. I lead a small group for bible study tomorrow night and I have day 1 of 5 finished. So that will be a lot of studying for me tomorrow. Oh, I worked on the new song I am writing today. It's coming along, coming along. :)

Lord, thankyou for your joy today. Thankyou for all that you're doing. Give me direction Lord and the strength to trust you in the regularity of everyday. I love you.

ahhh--mennn--ayyy. 

 

Walking in Limited Sight

Show me what it means to live everyday. 

"Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God's glory." (Romans 5:1-2) (emphasis mine) 

The last few days, I've been drowning in worry and fear. I'm walking in limited mobility, hanging onto what I think I know I should fear. The future, my uncertainty, and ultimately, my huge fear of failure. Tonight, I've been in search of God's peace. My goal of "Read every peace verse in the Bible" turned into reading just that one up there.  The words confident and  joyful wouldn't be words I'd use to describe myself lately. I've been struggling with finding joy in my day to day life. "Where are you, God?!" "Where is the excitement?!" I've been saying. So i'm definitely not con (with) fident (faith) lately. Especially not in myself. And that's been leading to my lack of confidence in God. Which i don't want.

I Trust You, GOD! I believe you can do what you say! I know that I need to get my eyes off of just what I can see and onto the GREATNESS of who you are, because that I have not  forgotten, Lord I pray I NEVER forget that. 

I wrote in my journal tonight, "Don't focus on things of this world"

i could worry about everything, in light of life, I should worry about things because peace only comes from you God.  You are the only place I find peace.

Thankyou, God, for being so patient with me as I walk through this with you. Help me find beauty every day. Help me see you and seek you everyday. I don't want to live a humdrum life. I want passion for you, with you, passionate love with you. I want to find that passionate love with Chris, too, as we both seek You separately and together. I want what you have. Help me trust you. Help me trust you, Help me trust you.

Help me relax while I wait for your direction. Show me each day what to do. Help me love more, help me criticize less and encourage more. Help me look at you, look at others, look at me. In that order, God. Help me be real. Help me not have these high standards on myself. Even now, i'm thinking of what I've written here and criticizing myself and doubting any legitimacy in the things I feel. Thank you for finding importance in me. Thank you for letting me stand in undeserved privilege. Help me walk in your love and love from you. 

I lift up to you everyone I love, everyone I care about, everyone that needs You, God. Be with them tonight and speak to them and sing over them and comfort them and heal them just like You always want to. I invite you to move in them, in me, help me surrender God. I surrender everything I am to You. Everything I have. Everything I ever will be. From my heart, Lord. Show yourself even more real to you. 

I rebuke the spirit of depression and sadness that tries to overtake me. God, You are my God and forever I will seek You! In You I find my joy. I love you, I trust you. Be near, in Jesus' Name. Amen.