Sleepy Head

Im up, sitting on my bed, enjoying the feeling of my fluffy cloud-like down comforter. I'm watching Win a Date with Tad Hamilton and waiting for Chris to get home and call me. I've been home sick all day with a sinus infection. Antibiotics: 3 pills a day. I think they're helping already. :) 

I got to visit on the phone with my friend Jessica from Euroquest tonight. I feel like my heart was a flower bed and talking with her was like watering it. :) I feel happy, and Im thinking about all the amazing Jesus filled experiences I've had. Getting to know Him is the most exciting adventure, the most amazing way to spend a life. A life fulfilled is a life spent seeking God.

I wonder if I kept this in mind everyday if I would live differently. Im sure that I would.

I know I don't think of Him enough everyday. Being a big sick baby today, my mind was on whatever was playing on BRAVO! I went downstairs today around 7 because I had a pounding headache and thought of going to sleep. Rather, I ended up playing piano for a while. There is nothing that feeds my soul and ignites my heart more than music, especially music in worship. I was wondering why the Lord would allow me to get sick when I was going to lead worship tonight, but I realized that maybe if I'd been gone, the Lord wouldn't have sent the beautiful words to finish the song he had laid on my heart months ago. I sometimes get discouraged when I watch shows like American Idol, and for some reason, think that this is the talent I need to succeed in the world of music if I'm going to pursue it. I want the Lord to show me even more that if I'm surrendered to Him, if music is what he wants for me, then NOTHING will be able to keep me from fulfilling that. :) I need to remember that music, singing and worship ignites my heart.

If it ignites my heart, It might be what I'm made for. 

I love Jesus and Chris! :) 

MESS

over. it.

I know I'm not reacting the way I should right now. I'm probably being just as immature as Matt is being. I'm just over it.

I'm really tired of people making claims about my character over the stupidest things. 

I haven't behaved in the way I should.

I feel like I try so hard in every area of my life to do the important things and be good . When someone starts saying im a bad person, that I do "ugly" things to people and they thought I was "Better than that" it just really pisses me off.

It's opened a whole door of sh**. It feels like the same hurt that cory and beka did; a reopened wound that wasn't healed completely. I feel like a big mix of emotions since I shouldn't care what a vague/distant "friend" thinks, that it shouldn't affect me like it does, but it still feels like he's getting away with the same stupid thing that youth pastors of yesteryear have gotten away with. I know that holding someone in unforgiveness only harms me and not dealing with it makes me look stupid. But I don't feel ready to deal at the moment. I know that I need to be to work tomorrow and that I should be sleeping. I am really hurt and I repent for not letting God come in in the first place. Part of me hasn't had anything to be mad at anyone about for a while and it feels like I have some control over it, it makes me feel powerful. But anger isn't power and I know that.

I'm sorry Lord. Forgive me for the things I'm doing wrong. Come in and do your will, help me be open to your will. Help me be submitted to you and walking in your love. 

i love you, lord.

rach