MESS

over. it.

I know I'm not reacting the way I should right now. I'm probably being just as immature as Matt is being. I'm just over it.

I'm really tired of people making claims about my character over the stupidest things. 

I haven't behaved in the way I should.

I feel like I try so hard in every area of my life to do the important things and be good . When someone starts saying im a bad person, that I do "ugly" things to people and they thought I was "Better than that" it just really pisses me off.

It's opened a whole door of sh**. It feels like the same hurt that cory and beka did; a reopened wound that wasn't healed completely. I feel like a big mix of emotions since I shouldn't care what a vague/distant "friend" thinks, that it shouldn't affect me like it does, but it still feels like he's getting away with the same stupid thing that youth pastors of yesteryear have gotten away with. I know that holding someone in unforgiveness only harms me and not dealing with it makes me look stupid. But I don't feel ready to deal at the moment. I know that I need to be to work tomorrow and that I should be sleeping. I am really hurt and I repent for not letting God come in in the first place. Part of me hasn't had anything to be mad at anyone about for a while and it feels like I have some control over it, it makes me feel powerful. But anger isn't power and I know that.

I'm sorry Lord. Forgive me for the things I'm doing wrong. Come in and do your will, help me be open to your will. Help me be submitted to you and walking in your love. 

i love you, lord.

rach