Streams of Consciousness

I suppose my angst just looks different than yours.

We are all worried about something, nobody has it completely together.

GOD I NEED TO TRUST YOU!!!!!!!!!

On and off, second by second, trust-doubt-trust-doubt-trust-doubt.

Life is a sequence of reminding myself to trust Jesus, to remember the

tools I have in my belt, and to remember that God has it under control.

It's incredible that in my fear, I take everything back into my own hands.

Am I afraid God is going to mess it up? Do I somehow believe that I have

more control in these situations than God does? I just said last week "I'll work

the shifts I'm given; God knows my need" and then I get the new schedule "7 hours?!?!

SEVEN HOURS?!?!?!?!" and the cycle starts again. God, break this cycle!

Why can I not trust you completely?

I feel like Peter...I feel like the "O you of little faith, why do you doubt?"

and I say "I believe, HELP MY UNBELIEF!" God, help my unbelief.

I dream of a life that is full of adventure, full of travel, full of ministry, full

of journals filled with pictures, ephemera, stories of what God is doing, the

people I'm meeting. I dream of India sometimes. Right now, as I picture

my full journal, it's full on India. The colors, the smells, the sounds, the hurt...

It's all there in my imagination. Someday. God take me somewhere.

Be the author of my heart, Lord. I want to love the things you love.

I want to be broken for the things that break Your heart.

I want to hate the injustice & bondage that You hate.

I want to be ignited by the things that ignite You, Lord.

To be more myself, I seek to be more like Jesus. Help me do this daily, God.

Father, my heart is broken for my dear friend. Be with her tonight, God. Whisper to her heart that You love her, that you want her just as she is. You are restoration. Bring restoration to her depleted heart, her drained body.

Drained: def'n:implies a gradual withdrawal and ultimate deprivation of what is necessary to an existence

God, I look up this word, deplete. To empty of a principal substance.

I see it's synonyms; exhaust, impoverish, drain, bankrupt. Listen to this one, Lord..

Impoverished (def'n): suggests a deprivation of something essential to richness or productiveness

Lord God, I know that you are this principal substance, this essential something that she needs not only to live abundantly but...to live. Period.

Be with her tonight, Lord. Please let her know that I think about her every single day. My heart is broken for her. Yours is broken. God, in our brokenness, will you move? Will you do everything that I cannot do? Show me what I can, Lord. Please give her life back. Please don't let her be lost to this grave that would steal her so early...physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. She needs You. I need You. I need You to save her, Jesus. Please. Let her know we love her.

I love You, Jesus. As I type, tears stream down my cheeks. You're answering. My heart is broken for the things that break Your heart. Help me look more like You. Give me a passion for Your word. Direct my steps, lead me to the place where I will be used most completely by You, to the place where I will be most completely who You want me to be.

Love you, Jesus. Keep up your work in me until it's finished.

Deep Breath.

In Jesus' name, Amen.

The Dawn

It's amazing how, after tasting my forbidden fruit and letting its bitter taste settle on my tongue, I realize the depravity of my decisions.

Now the only thing that I want is to be close to God. I'm realizing how much I need Him, how  much I lack without Him. I wish I felt this before I made dumb mistakes. 

You know the phrase "It's always darkest right before the dawn" I hate how sometimes it takes me walking into the sin that I hate to realize how much I need Jesus. That darkness...I hate it. I wish I could see, before I take those steps to darkness, that I need the light. I know I need the light. I hate that this is the area I fall into. I hate this feeling.

If you'd like to hear a song about this very thing, go to www.sonicbids.com/christinadesouza. There you can find the song "It's Over" written by she and i and recorded by her. That song is about this feeling. I wish I could quit singing it, I wish it would start being true. I wish that my flesh wouldn't win. Like when Paul talks about the things he wants to do, he doesn't do and the things he DOES want to do, he fails to do. I feel that way, Paul. It's a human condition.

These things I call "human conditions"....I think our walk with Jesus is the steps we take to get back from the basic humanness and into something greater than that, something that is body and spirit, temporary and eternal. Sometimes I make decisions that only serve the temporary, some things that bring me back to my basic human depravity. The decisions I make to seek God, to worship Him, to make Him known, to love Him, to love others...Those decisions lead me closer to what I was meant for. A unity of God and man, body and spirit, temporary and eternal. Bringing the Kingdom to earth, you know? Eternally loving, patient, kind, good, and so on. Preparing myself and others for eternity, while bringing Jesus' love in a real tangible way to others here and now. 

Today, I made a decision to step back nearer to basic humanity. It feels terrible here. I know my purpose is to know God and make Him known. I want to take steps closer to You, Jesus Christ. Closer to who I was made to be, how I was made to be. A marriage of God and man, body and spirit, temporary and eternal. I want nothing to separate us, Lord. I admit that my foolish decisions are like a wedge between us. Forgive me for my depravity, God. I want to be closer to You, I want to be more like You. I want to walk in the light, to see the light, to rejoice in the light. Today was a day of walking in Your joy and I traded it for a selfish decision that led me farther from You. 

Forgive me, I ask for Your joy again. I want to be in fellowship with You. I want to dwell in the light again, and to stay there forever. 

I love you :)

8 Things

Thankyou Rachel, from the blog "braving the Beauty" for this. It gave me lots to think about. :)

8 things I’m looking forward to:
1. Vacation
2. When God takes me on another mission trip 
3. having my very first pair of birkenstocks
4. Filling up my moleskine with songs
5. Living in Eugene...and Im sure other places, too. 
6. Becoming content
7. Getting married
8. Reaching my goal weight (I know I know) 

8 things I did yesterday:
1. Had my hair dyed by my beautiful sister. 
2. Wrote a mini sermon (but no one came to unlock the church or hear the sermon, so it sits on my dashboard)
3. Made drinks for people at work. 
4.  Had a wonderful time with my sweet boyfriend, running errands and being silly 
5. Pondered at my priorities and asked the Lord to tell me what I should be investing in. 
6. Saw pictures of Brittany's brand new baby girl, Jacee Liliana
7. prayed for a co-worker that God is putting in my life even though Im mad about it.
8. Read parts of  "All I Need is Jesus (and a good pair of jeans)" By Susanna Aughtmon (or something like that) 

8 things I wish I could do:
1. Believe in myself and God's ability and desire to use me. 
2. Play guitar like a face melter and write songs that come from God's heart
3. be set loose in Borders & buy anything I like! (I stole this one from Rachel. :) ) 
4. Go on a 6 week long cross country road trip. 
5. Hike a swiss alp (someday) 
6. Have money to get manicures and pedicures all the time. 
7.  Be fluent in spanish, then lots of other languages too. 
8. Pay off my parents and learn to save really well. :) 

Special!

It's so silly how I compare myself so much.

Is this an 18 year old girl condition or

maybe just a human one?

God is good.

He has made me in His image.

I express a part of Him.

A special part, a unique part. 

No one else can fit the part that I can fit. 

Your grace is enough for me, Lord. 

I've been realizing how "iron sharpens iron" more, today.

I met with Karina and we did our bible study together. 

I love seeing how God shows her things that I didn't 

recognize in His word. It's a blessing to see her use

her God given talent of using words for His glory.

Your grace is enough for us, Lord. 

Thankyou for the promise that You'll work out Your plan for my life,

You'll use the special way I am made to fit in a special place, & be loved

especially by You. Help me remember I'm special, Lord, and help me

reveal to others how they're special, too.

Love you

Rach 

Emotionally Wrung Out

Good and Bad today. :)

It started baddish, I woke up with a painful kink in my neck that's lasted all day. 

However, I got to lay in bed for a few hours, reading. I LOVE reading. :) 

Then, Chris came over with coffee. What a delight! He brightens everything up. :)

When my mom came home from her lunch break, we went a saw a desk we saw on Craigslist. A  no go. Not the quality I want. :p Oh well, the Lord will provide the perfect thing. :) 

We went to the chiropractor and he cranked on my neck & back. It feels so strange, like someones breaking your neck since it crack-crack-cracks. :) It feels a little better and I'm on the road to neck recovery. :) 

Then...drama started.

With the Anchor, the bible study we've started, one of the girls was rude today, then when all three of us got together, Angie* was saying "I tell the truth, how it is, to anybody. It doesn't matter who it is, I tell the truth." about how she was offended because no one told her where we were meeting (Because no one had decided!) I told her, since she would tell anyone the truth, that that day, she had hurt my feelings by being rude to me about not knowing where we were meeting. I guess me telling her she hurt my feelings was too much for her to handle because she stormed off and left almost crying. 

It was very strange. 

I know that the Lord is the author of our college group and if Angie isn't supposed to be in leadership, then she won't be. 

It was very frustrating and emotionally tolling. If we're not able to discuss openly how we all feel, not regarding one person's feelings as more important as the others, then it's not right.

Lord, I ask for Your forgiveness for my part in the negative stuff that happened today. God, will You do your will in this situation? Let hearts be convicted and mended. 

*sigh*

I've been reading "All I Need is Jesus (and a good pair of Jeans)" by Susanna Aughtmon. It's been a blessing!

I love reading :) 

Lord, finish Your work in me. I feel undone. :) I love You

In Jesus' Name

Amen :) 

This is a Beginning

God's providing everything, he's making things happen. This is a beginning. :) 

Chris graduated.

Chris got a job.

Chris moved to Bend.

I have more hours at work.

Im finishing the term.

Im released from the bondage of an old hurt, a poison of unforgiveness.

Today has been a little hard. It shows that even the best things are hard sometimes. But hard doesn't mean that they aren't the very best things to be happening in life.

I can't wait to start my bible study with Karina and get in the word regularly. God will you provide a girl to share the study with us? i have an extra book.  :)

You're good, Lord. 

Help me trust you and help me be gracious. I love you. Remind me that this life is all about you. :) 

Day Day Day

I'm finally getting over my sinus infection, PRAISE THE LORD! 

I think it's really cool how God uses people. Imperfect people. Im learning the more I'm open to be used by Him, the more He uses me.

Today he orchestrated 2 conversations (Well at least 2 that I know specifically.) I was downtown about to do homework and a friend texted me telling me she was struggling. So I invited her to meet me at the Beautiful Cup and we got to talk for a while and share our hearts. I think that we've all been in her shoes: scared of what we know God is asking us to do, not sure how to get out of our apathetic states. I am so excited to see what God does in her life. She said the rest of this year is going to be used for laying the foundation of her walk with the Lord. She said she's going to sacrifice what it takes to make free time to spend with God. I think that after this year, she'll know so clearly what God is asking of her and I know He'll make her brave enough to do it.

Truth: The Lord makes us brave enough for the task He's laid ahead of us. (Matthew 10:19-20)

"¹⁹But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, ²⁰for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you."

The second conversation I had is with another girl I've gotten to know over the last 9 or so months. It's been incredible to see the way God is working in my heart towards her. 

Truth: God's ways are higher than my ways.  (Isiaiah 55:8-9)

I really really didn't like her in the beginning (and at times, now as well I suppose) but the Lord kept leading me to reach out to her (even though I didn't want to) After a few months of this, she shared with me that she re-dedicated her life to the Lord. Now, it's been a month or 2 since then and I see her today. She walked into the Beautiful Cup and we started talking. Somehow we got on the subject of her eating disorder and how she's worried she's going back to how she was last summer (really deeply entangled in anorexia) We talked for a little while before I asked her if she was still walking with the Lord. 

She told me that everytime she starts walking back towards God, things start going badly in her life. I explained to her that it's so common for that to happen. When people aren't walking with God, the enemy is free to do as he wishes with them. When they reclaim their walk with the Lord, they become a threat to the enemy and his plan. Oftentimes, when a person starts walking with the Lord again, things seem to get worse before they get better. She told me some things that she'd done...gone to the lowest places....even saying she would serve satan?!? (that was news to me...Im still not sure how to deal with that news, you know?) So...i think since she got so involved in the world and submitting to the devil, (YIKES) it's going to be a long road to getting back right with God. A long road that will need to involve lots of prayer and fasting I think. But if she sticks it out, God will come restore everything that was lost and rebuild everything that was torn down in her. 

Anyways, I got to share with her clearly that God had a plan for her and a plan for her life. I shared with her the truth that if she isn't walking with God, she's never going to be the person she is meant to be. She'll always be going from guy to guy, from distraction to distraction, looking for the fulfillment that she'll only find in God Himself. Now it comes down to how long she's willing to search for fulfillment in other things before she realizes nothing will ever fill her like she needs. Because she's not looking in the right place. Her heart is longing for a relationship with Christ to come and give her identity - not in guys, not in her eating disorder or her appearance, not in her partying. Hopefully it won't take her long to realize she is not finding what she's looking for. 

She had to leave quickly after that but I know that God will open another door to talk. 

Truth: We are Purposed to love Jesus and to walk with Him. We can't get to where we're supposed to be without Him.  

"The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever— do not abandon the works of your hands."

I think this has been a season of God allowing me to be exposed to areas and things I've never ever dealt with before. I feel like I'm growing more compassionate - and I long to be compassionate even more. 

Lord, will you reveal the compassion and love You have for your kids. Break my heart for the things that break Your heart, Lord. Help me love them like You love them. Grow me, change me. I want to be teachable, God. I want to be loving. I want to be more like You, Jesus!

I love you!

I'm really excited for this season of change and growth. God is so good. I love His unconditional faithfulness and His unconditional love. Even in situations like the two I described today, no matter how far we run from the Lord, he's there when we turn around. 

Truth: God will always be here for us. 

(John 14:16-19)

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate,^{a]" style=" line-height: 0.5em; ">[a]} who will never leave you. ¹⁷He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth. The world cannot receive him, because it isn’t looking for him and doesn’t recognize him. But you know him, because he lives with you now and later will be in you.^{b]" style=" line-height: 0.5em; ">[b]} ¹⁸ No, I will not abandon you as orphans—I will come to you. ¹⁹ Soon the world will no longer see me, but you will see me. Since I live, you also will live.